Halloween Frights

Guess what: it's Halloween!  I'll probably spend the night studying for my thesis, or my art history class, rather than out, having fun.  Because I'm behind in most aspects of my life, and need to get back on top of them.  However, in order to entertain you all, and myself, I thought I'd come up with a list of really, really scary things that could happen this Halloween.  Prepare yourself for these bone-chilling possibilities that occurred to the darkest parts of my imagination...

France declares that it has changed its official language to Esperanto, and French becomes a dead language.
A worldwide soybean blight prevents the food industry from making tofu for a year.
Wegmans goes out of business.
A computer virus in the registrar's office changes my official status to that of a Freshman majoring in Chemical Engineering.
Victor quits as House Manager, and I need to learn how to use power tools.
Hurricane Sandy destroys the power lines and floods the basement, and I need to pour out all the water by hand.
The Cornell Library system decides to discontinue Borrow Direct and Interlibrary Loan.
Gannett diagnoses me with chicken pox again, and quarantines me for a week.
Somebody steals my journal, my laptop, my Kindle, my phone, and my student ID, all on the same day.
Due to funding cuts, Cornell eliminates the History Department, after changing its motto to "Any person, any useful study."
Due to funding cuts, Cornell forces me to drop out, after changing its motto to "Any useful person, any study."
Another squirrel chews through all of the screens in the CJL, the boiler breaks again, the Internet ceases functioning in the house, and the second washing machine and both dryers break, all on the same day.
I learn that nobody actually understands Aramaic, and that the Talmud is really just a random assortment of Hebrew letters, and all Talmudic quotes are made up on the spot.
The same as above, but with Aristophanes and Euripides.
I need to read a post thesis even more boring than "Cornell SDS" for my Thesis class.
Cornell Student Assembly calls a student strike, à la Française.
My new tefillin are also revealed not to be kosher. 
Peninah tells me that she'll stop learning with me.
Harry reveals to me that he actually just makes up all of the things he tells me.
I destroy my hot water pitcher again (oops, that just happened today -- I hope that nobody was looking forward too much to boiled eggs at Alternative Vegetarian Seudah Shlishit).
One of my professors declares that we will be having a nighttime prelim on the night of the Matisyahu concert.
One of my classmates or residents develops a crush on me.
My main secondary sources for my thesis turn out to be just excerpts from Wikipedia.
Spotify and Pandora stop providing music for the United States. 
Someone recalls every single one of my books from the Cornell Library system on the same day.
Lazar turns into a super-villain, with laser super-powers (actually, that could be kind of cool).
I accidentally erase the Word document with all of my thesis notes, and then lose the flash drive with the backup.
Lori and Cory Cole decide to change their mind about making Hero U.
Cornell requires students to pass a pop culture test in order to graduate.
The new Facebook login page reads "It's free, but for a limited time only!"
A new nutrition study reveals that cocoa causes memory loss.
All of Susan's animals escape, immediately after she buys a whole tank full of hissing cockroaches.
The Cornell clock-tower collapses.
The Hobbit movie is cancelled.
I wake up with Eli in my bed.
I wake up in Eli's bed.

Happy Halloween, and don't be too scared!
~JD